Thanksgiving is a time of celebration, ritual binging, and awkward family conversation fueled by booze and an overwhelming feeling of failure. However, very few people know the real story of this joyous holiday.
In the year 1560 (give or take five years) an alien race known as the Schlek out-bid the British government at the very last second for the stretch of land now known as North America. Their planet, due to a harsh childhood, had become an alcoholic. Rather than confront it, the Scleck commanders decided it would be easier to just leave quietly during the night. They left only a somewhat sarcastic note, the humor of which was lost on the planet, as it was illiterate.
They were ecstatic, as this was the first time they had bought something online, and they gave the seller a high approval rating. However, once they came within view of Earth, their hearts sank. None of them much cared for the color blue.
They were traveling in three huge cruisers. The first, the Niña, contained all the food and millions upon millions of gallons of sports drinks. Even aliens need electrolytes. The second, the Pinta, contained the officers, scientists, and wealthy aliens. It had large, comfy seats, although the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome so much of the ride was spent complaining anyway. The final ship, the Galactic Destructor Two Billion (or the Santa Maria) contained the entire middle and lower classes, as well as all the appliances people got for weddings and only used once, and was bursting at the seams. This came as quite a shock to Schlek scientists, because they were under the impression that they had advanced far beyond the point of seams.
As the ships were approaching the Earth, the pilot of the Niña had to take a quick bathroom break. He switched on the autopilot. Unbeknownst to him at the time, the autopilot had formed a close bond with the planet, and was rather drunk. The ship decided the earth looked "like a sausagefest" and headed for the sun, which he mistook for a disco ball. It wasn't until the other two ships landed that they realized they were missing all of their supplies.
Against the commander's suggestion that they "stay in the car", the Schlek scientists left the Pinta to search for a source of food. When they didn't find anywhere to make reservations (not only were there no restaurants yet, but everything's closed on Thanksgiving anyway), they decided to head back to the ship.
When the scientists arrived, they found a small crowd of Native Americans poking at the ship, obviously curious as to what it was. They saw this as an opportunity to gain wisdom, and ensure they survival of their species. They tried to communicate with the natives, but got frustrated and gave up shortly thereafter when they realized these savages spoke neither Schlek nor Icelandic, which they picked up god knows where.
Five days later, and all the Schlek were starving after trying to eat that breadmaker their uncle gave them that they were too lazy to return. They were almost to the point of eating one another when a large group of Natives came out of the bushes with a feast of turkey, stuffing (or dressing if you're unpatriotic), cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, and gravy. Although it was under seasoned and obviously cooked using primitive pre-radiation techniques, the Schlek begrudgingly ate the entire feast.
The commanders were so grateful that they graciously decided to share a few tiny plots of their land with the natives. Whenever they wanted another feast, they just showed up to a new tribe, so they decided to call these journeys for food "making reservations". That led to the actual plots of land being called "reservations".
Eventually the Schlek realized it was a bit too warm for them here, so they left they way they came. They popped by the sun to look for the crew of the Niña, but just got sunburns. When they arrived back at their home planet they had an intervention. The planet has been sober for four months and now has his own reality show.
They promptly gave the Earth an overall rating of 1.3 on ratemyplanet.com and wouldn't suggest it to their friends.
